Spreading Yourself (Not Literally)

There is that saying that happiness / smiling is contagious. And it’s true. If you have not noticed it already in your own life, there are articles about that.

However, how often do we think about or care that the opposite is also true? When we are sad, we can bring down those with whom we directly associate. We can also bring down those with whom those associates associate. When we are sad, it may seem like not much else really matters except for what is making us sad. My belief is that we should learn to pull ourselves back when we are sad and look at ourselves from…well, the outside. So, instead of being sad and looking at the world through your sad eyes, be the world at look at your sad self. You might find that not everything is as big of a deal as it seems; in fact, it usually is not. Realize, also, how you are also hurting others, either consciously or unconsciously, because of your biased emotions. Remember who cares about you and try not to mistreat them.

Another important thing to mention is that your world — that is, your perception of the word, is based on…well, yourself. If you are a happy person, the world seems to filled with more happy things. Similarly, if you are a liar and always lie, the world will lie back at you; your life will be full of lies. And so on; it is a combination of perception, attention to details, archetyping, bias, and maybe some other factors.

Also related, on a more specific note, is how you dislike someone: there is something about them that you see in yourself that you do not like. In other words, it is totally your fault that you dislike someone. Even if this someone hurts you; you dislike the fact that you let that person exploit your weakness. In other words, you would not have gotten hurt if you had not let them hurt you. And you should not have gotten hurt – why should you let someone hurt you? Well, we will get to that later.

Emotional Detachment

The practical application of emotional detachment does not mean being unattached to ones emotions / having no emotions to certain situations; it is, in fact, the complete opposite.

It is having control of your emotions, as opposed to letting your emotions control you.

More specifically, it could mean having control of your interests, as opposed to having your interests control you.

Do not give that which hurts you the acknowledgement that said subject has that effect over you.

Letting Go, Moving On

This is in light of the recent breakups, including those that happened to some close friends of mine.

There are different levels of “letting go.” Some people don’t actually realize that and think it means to totally forget about what happened and move on to a “new life” which ends up being not so new because they just make all the same mistakes again.

The first level of letting go is literally letting go – letting that person pursue what he/she thinks is best for their happiness. Accepting, even if you disagree with what it is, that he/she has found something else seems to be worth more than everything you two have been through and will go through in the future if you two were to stay together. Certainly, his/her happiness is what matters the most, right?

The second level is letting go of the memories. Memories are attached to certain experiences, places, smells, items, etc. Where ever you go, you will be reminded of that person because you are able to link everything to a certain memory of you two. As John Paul said, “The only memories I have of [home] is with [her].” Letting go does not mean forgetting, though. It means not dwelling on the fact that they will not happen again. It means going to that special place that you two shared and being thankful for the good times and not saddened by what is past. It means letting go of the emotional link to the memory so that you can think about it clearly.

Personally, this was something that I did not expect to be a problem, but it turned out to be. After a while, it was not too bad in New Orleans as there were few places that triggered memories; it was mostly watching other couples that triggered memories. When I got home, I had these really strange feelings as I walked into my room. I realized later that it was the smell of my room and the weather here to which I was reacting because of the strong connection between those two and many events that happened in the past. So here starts another challenge where I must let go of the emotional link I have that is between the smell of my room and this awfully cold 60 degree weather, and the memories associated with them. Needless to say, I was quite ready to go back to New Orleans already.

The third level is being able to objectively look at what happened and learn from it. There will be many “in hindsight” moments, where one will be able see many things that were happening that one did not see before. Was he/she being totally faithful? Totally truthful? What desires of his/her now become obvious that one had ignored before? What was happening that seemed to not be a problem at the time but actually contributed a lot to what happened? Many things become clear. In fact, after the breakup, there will be many unanswered questions. One gets more answers from this reflection than from directly asking. Most of her answers will probably revolve around, “I don’t know.” But, if one is able to let go of emotional links and look at the situation clearly, one will find many answers.

As many friends have told me, “You have to convince yourself that she’s not good for you by thinking of all the things that went wrong.” That is quite a difficult task. However, I no longer need to do that; I can now see clearly the facts to why the relationship would not have worked. It all started one day when I told myself, “Kenny, you don’t deserve to be saddened by her shenanigan; Kenny, you deserve better.” When I truly believed that affirmation, many things started becoming clear. I also did use the word “shenanigans” in my original affirmation.

For a while, one might not be ready to let go. In fact, for the longest time, I felt as though it would not be right to move on yet. Simply, after being together for so long, I felt as though there should be a period of grieving. And there should be – it is normal and even desirable to grieve, as it showed me many things: not to take for granted what I have, that girls are inherently illogical, that I spent a lot of time and energy that I will never get back, that very small details have big influences in the future – okay, so I learned mostly negative things from grieving, but truth is truth whether positive or negative. More importantly, though, I paid respects to what was an important period of my life.

So, in a way, the smart never totally moves on; the smart takes everything that has happened into consideration and forges a better future. Simply, the number of questions to which one answers “I don’t know” should lower because now one has a better idea of what one wants. It is also never totally the other person’s fault; something happens because of things that both partners are doing. So, in the end, one hopefully has learned much about oneself, other people, and what one wants in/from other people.

The almost always applicable quote summarizes this long essay which I had intended to be quite shorter:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Relationship Labels

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and decided to publish it after talking to Shamus tonight.

“You are more cynical . . . “
“Hmm. Wonder why. Must’ve been some negative experience that I had.”

In a healthy relationship, the labels are pretty much useless. The clearest label would be that of marriage, so let us look at that.

If a man and a woman get married, they become husband and wife. But why do people get married? Marriage, as it always had been, is two things: religious and legal. Anything else is purely coincidental; marriage has always meant to be these two things. For example, people can say that they are getting married for financial reasons, but it pretty much goes without saying that a married couple will do their best to support each other financially. Some people want to get married for emotional/psychological reasons: “She’s married to me now, so she probably won’t cheat on me.” It might be that sense of security, or it might be the feeling of finally being able to call something/someone your own.

In a healthy relationship, everything that both partners do is driven by their love for each other and the desire for an exclusive relationship or whatever it may be that they fancy. To think “Well, now I shouldn’t sleep around with everyone because I’m her boyfriend/husband,” or “Well now that she’s officially my girlfriend/wife, she’s not going to cheat on me” is foolish and unhealthy. The relationship should stay together because, say, the guy does not want to sleep around with anyone else, or the girl does not want to cheat; they love each other and would not think to nor want to do anything to ruin that. Another way to think of it is that it is not the relationship status that determines the actions, but the actions that determine what the relationship status is. And, if that is true, then it would not matter what they or other people label the relationship status — love is love, no matter what you call it.

The reasons why these labels exist, then, is because of society. Society just wants to put a label on everything for some reason . . . I suppose if we look at it from a Darwinism point of view, society is just inclined to point out the odd traits that exist. Many people are attracted to their traditions and their ways of thinking and find it hard to accept something new or different.

Imagine a couple who have a kid, but they were never married, even though they live together and love each other. The kid would might be called a bastard, love child, illegitimate . . . there are just so many negative labels that could used. And for what reason? Hypothetically, the child could have a normal childhood with a mother figure and a father figure by his/her side the whole time.

It seems as though this whole “tying the knot” deal might have a lot to do with society’s traditions, the media, insecurities, and the media. I always say that if a tradition works, then keep it, but if there is a more efficient way that works just as well, then it is time for change. And the media . . . the media causes just about every problem you could think of. In fact, the media is probably the major cause of insecurities, but I just felt like making a longer list, so I separated the two. Everything you watch, so many things to which you listen and you see involve people getting married. It would seem as though there is no question about it in most people’s minds that there is an alternative to the tradition marriage schpeal.

It would seem that, logically, if you are not religious and have no need to be “legally” married, then you should not get married. I can only think of a handful of reasons as to why one would need to get married for a legal reason (movie The Proposal, immigration). I once asked a friend, “Where do atheists get married. Certainly, not at a church in front of a priest?” Disappointingly, the response was, “Actually, most of them do just go to a church.”

To get into a relationship like this would be to not rush, but to let something (a friendship) grow out of love and understanding. Those are the healthiest relationships — the ones where both people are not only conscious of what both parties want, but unconsciously want nothing that would impede on that. So, whether that would be something that is more casual, something that is more exclusive, or any combination of anything, both parties will work to make that work because that is what they want; not because that is what a label say that should do.

On Lonliness

Up until recently, I never quite understood how people claim to be lonely. It was a feeling that I never quite felt; if I have, it was never to a point that it actually bothered me. My thought process was always, “Well, how could you be lonely? There are so many people in the world, and there are probably so many people around you.”

However, I have come to realize from where this feeling arises. Sure, there are many people in the world, and at Loyola, there is a student population of 5000. The problem is that most people are too busy to care or just do not care. It is not necessary a bad thing; on certain days, the only breaks that I have from the time I wake up are two 1 hour periods where I do not have class or practice. Certainly, caring for oneself is a reasonable priority over caring for other people. So, while there may be many people, not everyone is open to making me feel better at any given point in my life. Also, it is not like I know everyone, as much as I would like to get to know everyone. Lately, I have even had trouble talking to and meeting new people. Probably some self esteem type issues that I will ponder about some at some other time.

The reason why this had never bothered me before, I think, is because I always had a sense of no matter what happened, there would be someone there for me. And, as much as I love my friends, the are different connections made with different people. There is a certain connection that makes one delusion and unaware of many other things happening in life; partly why they say that “ignorance is bliss.”

So, if you have the unavoidable fact that no matter how many people are around you, most of them do not care or have time to care; and that different connections with different people delude you from different facts of life; then a loss of a connection would mean that you become aware of a part of life of which you were not aware before.

(Horray for first semester Philosophy about creating valid arguments.)

It is unfortunate that the first premise is true. I feel like if that were less true, and I have hypotheses for why it is not less true, more people would be happy. One would think that things would be a little better during Lent, but who really does Lent for the reason that they are suppose to anyway?

On Masochism

Are you a masochist? Maybe you are, but you don’t know it; at least, not on the conscious level.

First, we need to look at relationships and society (are you surprised that those are what I’m going to talk about?). Something that is rather universally accepted is the fact that all guys want, ever, is sex, while girls are always looking for a deeper connection. Since this is what is supposedly true, characters created by the media usually exhibit these traits. But, what if we were to think, for a second, that it is not the media that portrays what is happening, but people who are portraying what is in the media? While you think about that, let me introduce another point.

The brain is, without a doubt, complex. everyday, when scientists think they’ve figured something out about the brain, they discover more things about which to be confused. Therefore, we may say that we know what we want and what our thought processes are, but really, we only have a somewhat limited knowledge based on what we think we know about the brain. Therefore, I ask that you open mindedly consider the things that I’m about to say. They might or might not be true, but I have a feeling that they won’t be always false in all cases.

Whether or not the media established these archetypes of guys and girls first, or it were merely modeling off of our behavior (basically, a Chicken or the Egg question), doesn’t really matter right now. We do know, however, that not all guys just want sex, and definitely not all girls just want a deeper connection. There are guys who would put the happiness of their partners first and above all. It might not, and probably doesn’t, mean that sex is unimportant (although it could), but there is just something that they find more important than their physical gratifications. We call these guys “wussies”/a truck load of other condescending names. On the other end, we have girls who aren’t looking for “deeper connections.” They want to be free, have fun, uncommitted, and, like the rest of the human species, fulfill their desires. we call these girls…well, a bunch of bad names; one of which sounds like a gardening tool.

Now, consider this. If society says that girls expressing their desires were the norm, or guys actually having emotions were the norm, then, well, that’d be the norm! It’d be completely okay and accepted; and because of tat, all your love-y movies, like those Disney ones, might have slightly different endings/plotlines; since those movies portray what girls supposedly want. So, what is most widely accepted is considered the norm; and the media portrays what the norm is. OR. The media suggests what the nor is, and if enough people accept it, it becomes the norm. Either way, a norm has been established. This norm dictates what most people do. Most people accept it, a few deny it, and a few are somewhere in between.

Now, we ask why people do some of the things they do. Genetics is always a factor. However, it would be foolish to think that our genetics account for everything. Definitely, the environment, and the way that our brain interprets the environment, which scientists don’t even fully comprehend yet, contribute to many factors of our lives. So, we will assume that everyone is born “clean,” uninfluenced by anything or anyone to think or act in certain ways. But, even as soon as we are picked up after we’re born and dressed, we might already be exposed to ways of society. Maybe we’re wearing blue or pink, depending on what our gender was. So, as we grow up, we take in all of this stuff that we call the norm, and when we get to a certain point, we decide whether to accept the norms/which ones to accept, and from which to deviate and how far. Some people never get to this point, but it’s not always their faults. Society’s pull is just that strong. In fact, even though some people think about a lot of this stuff, there are many things that you’d never realize that you could think about. For example.

People who don’t believe in pre-marital sex, people who break of good, working relationships, girls who refuse to embrace their sexual desires, guys who refuse to embrace their sexual desires; they all have one thing in common: they believe that waiting will bring greater pleasure when it does come. While waiting, they tell themselves stuff lie,”It’ll be worth it”, “I want it to be special”, ‘Whatever he/she wants.”

The original question was about masochists. Who’s a masochist? One who derives pleasure from receiving pain/torture. What hurts the most? Think about it. Is it physical pain? Probably not. It’s probably emotional pain. Probably something that you really wanted, but you couldn’t have/you were denied. But…people deny themselves what they want all the time! What does this mean? It means that people have become masochists because of society.Not to worry, though. Despise what society might say, there is nothing wrong with being a masochist. Moving on, now.

Because of society, people have to deny themselves what they want in order to remain in the norm. That’s a lot of pain and torture. So, what if, in order to protect us, our brains (because, as you know, that’s what your body does the best: protect you) decided that in order to put up with all abstaining from what we want, we are going to feel good about what we are doing, if we know/think that there’ll be a greater reward at the end. That’s pretty similar to probably what you are more familiar with when you hear “masochist”: “hit me hard now so that I can have a big orgasm later.” Or something like that. So, those who abstain from pre-marital sex, even if they desire it, do so because they believe it’ll be better after marriage. Those who end working relationships, not because the relationship was bad, but because they believe that there’s something of greater pleasure in the long run from the pain that’s about to be caused. Guys that tell girls, “Whatever you want.” Do I even have to explain that one?

So, maybe, just maybe, we are all a little bit masochist. I feel as though this essay worked well in introducing thought provoking topics in many areas. For now, I say that death is the ultimate abstinence, and life is the ultimate indulgence; so indulge yourself in what you want, for you have all the time in the world after you’re dead to not have it.

Darling, You Give Love a Bad Name

Today, we get something special: the last half or so of a conversation between two really good friends on a subject of high complications.  Normally, I wouldn’t post conversations like these, since they are kind of personal (four parties are involved in this one); but I really like this one, and it’s not like anyone reads this blog anyway; so, why not?  And, by request, I cut out a lot of what Shamus said.  You can tell, because there are awkward blank spaces, and I seem to be responding to myself.

Ah
That’s kind of like the polygamous thing I was talking about.
1:13amKenny
If polygamists can sleep with other people, but at the end of the day, they still go back to that one person, then obviously, he’s not with that person just for the sex. There’s obviously something else about that person that he or she is attracted to, since sex, for this person, is just another recreational activity.
1:14amShamus
True
But like I said, for some that is an option, for others, they just don’t want to deal with it
1:15amKenny
Yeah
I almost kind of want to post this conversation on my blog. I just don’t want to get yelled at, but then again, she’s not talking to me anyway.

1:18amKenny
Yeah. I probably won’t do it, but I’d like to save it anyway.
Do you have all of it? Mine seemed to have cut off at some point
1:19amShamus
Yeah, I do
I’ll message it to ya
1:20amKenny
Cool
1:21amKenny
So some said to me, “You’ve been binded in a relationship for three years; it’s time you experience being single again.” which is weird because I never thought of myself as being “binded”
But being single isn’t all bad either
1:21amShamus
It isn’t. You can actually look at people
1:22amKenny
Not feel guilty
And not feel guilty
1:22amShamus
hahahahaha, exactly
Okay, it is sent
1:23amKenny
Horray
Pft. Of course the first thing I would say is, “Yeah, I met another girl.”
1:24amShamus
And even though I know we discussed the whole time deal, you do have more free time
1:24amKenny
Yeah
My nights are freer, and I don’t have to worry about carrying my phone around anymore. She was the only one that ever texted me
1:25amShamus
?
1:26amKenny
At night. I usually don’t go to track practice with my phone. So lately, I’ve been hanging out with the track people after practice, or going straight to dinner.
And I don’t have to worry that she texted me
1:28amShamus
True
I say for now just enjoy the freedom
1:29amKenny
I mean, it’s great, but I also miss the intimacy. It was always nice being close
1:29amShamus
I hear ya there
I really do
I particularly miss the closeness
1:31amKenny
Sometimes you wonder why they feel differently
Why these same things don’t affect them as much
1:31amShamus
indeed

1:33amKenny
It’s like, you think of everything that’s happened, and you have to accept that they’ve found something that’s worth more than all of that
1:34amKenny
And you just can’t help but wonder what happened between the time that you said x and the time that x was false
1:34amShamus

And to what you just wrote, yes, I hear ya

1:36amKenny
Well. Then she’ll realize what she’s lost. And trust me, she lost a lot.
1:37amShamus
Thanks man
1:38amShamus

For god sakes, I BIKED 21 MILES TO SEE HER PERFORM!
1:39amKenny
I know. I don’t know if I could even topped that.
1:40amShamus
It’s just… Ugggh

1:41amKenny
Probably. Unless if she were really mature, she probably kept everything to herself, or was waiting for you to realize it, but when you didn’t, she decided that was it
1:42amShamus
I literally learned from my mistakes.

1:44amShamus

1:45amKenny
That’s just a little inconsiderate.
I mean, a part of me doesn’t even want to get over her so quickly because it seems inconsiderate to just drop eerything so quickly
1:45amShamus
I feel ya there
1:46amKenny
Byy the wy, library’s about to close. I’ll be right back
1:46amShamus
I mean, so much time invested, I totally understand that
All righty
1:48amShamus
I actually really should go to sleep though
1:51amKenny
Yeah, I should too
I knew the urge to go take a walk would lead to a good thing though
1:52amShamus
It did sir. Very much sir. I feel better now that I’ve talked about it more
1:53amKenny
That’s good. I’m still very confused and irritated, but it’s getting better.
1:53amShamus
That does happen man, but with time, and talking, it will get better
And I’ll be here for that talking if ya need me
1:54amKenny
Haha, it’s like in music, where the ending of a song is called the cadence, and a cadence always “resolves.” But it annoys people who know what they’re listening to if you play a cadence but don’t resolve it, or resolve it incorrectly
But yeah, anyway.
I’ll keep you informed
1:55amShamus
No problem dude. Same here
1:55amKenny

Good night
/morning
1:56amShamus
Indeed. You too sir!

Now would be a good time to listen to bad music really loudly and eat chocolate

Except, that would get me fat and annoyed.

As Wesley and I observed today, many breakups have been happening at the start of this new year.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hi

Stranger: Hello there friend.

Stranger: How was your transition into the new year?

You: Sigh

You: Could have been better.

Stranger: What has happened?

You: My girlfriend broke up with me.

Stranger: Any resolutions?

Stranger: Possibly to mend the wound?

You: I don’t know. I guess study harder now?

Stranger: Haha.

Stranger: The beauty of break ups is that you often learn from them.

Stranger: It may be hard but moving on is key.

Stranger: Time usually finds a way to heal you.

You: I would like to know why she broke up with me. She did it before, and it wasn’t clear. It’s also not clear this time.

Stranger: Whatever the reason may have been…Do you think it matters? The outcome is the same either way. It may not be clear and many things are not clear but clarity comes in time like most things.

You: I guess you are right.

You: I’ve been very fixated on why it happened.

You: And it hasn’t been helping.

Stranger: And why wouldn’t you be? It is natural to feel this way about this kind of shit. Life goes on. We go on. Better relationships await those who wait.

Stranger: It does no good to dwell of things that have passed. It is good to mourn but where will that get you? A lesson must be learned from bad experiences and then we can use our knowledge in future events.

You: Good words.

Stranger: Better things come.

You: It reminds me of this phrase by which I live but seem to have forgotten lately. From the movie Harold and Kumar, one of the characters says, “In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should.”

Stranger: Haha.

Stranger: In the end only love lives.

You: What do you mean?

Stranger: After all has been said and done only love will remain. You may feel all of this negativity right now but there will be a time when you realize that you have it better.

You: Better than what?

Stranger: Better than your current situation.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

And of course, the dramatic exit in the middle of thought provoking conversation. There is hope.