You’re asking me to be rational. That is something that I know I cannot do. – Anakin Skywalker, SW Ep. II.
I’m confused because I think logically. – Chris Graugnard.
Women are complicated. – Some Stranger on Omegle.
And such sums up most of the problems of life.
Life without Facebook isn’t actually that bad. Not only do I seem to have more free time, I no longer have to read annoying statuses of attention-seeking teenagers. I don’t really miss any news either, since I’d usually hear about anything big happening to anyone by interacting with people. The downside is that it is harder now to find out about people. I suppose that is also an upside because it forces me to be creative in order to find out about people, and it also forces actual conversation. And by being creative, I mean that I usually just use Duncan’s Facebook when he forgets to sign out of it on Dr. Hebert’s computer.
Although, without Facebook, who is really going to see this post? Aside from those Googling “what does connection imploded mean?”.
In the process of writing this post, I actually had to explain what I said in the first paragraph because I was asked why I didn’t have a Facebook. Amusing.
My suitemates talk about sex a lot. The more they do, the more I find myself wanting it less. I am actually in quite an interesting situation. At this point in my life, I can see myself being happy single. I am, however, not opposed to cohabitation or adoption. I just have no desire to get married. I also want to change my name to a mononym – a single name as opposed to first name-last name.
This does not mean that I don’t have feelings. I would even say that I do have feelings for someone. However, it’s somewhat weird since I have always been against my ex saying that she did not expect us to be together in the future (whenever ‘future’ was relative to when she said it). To me, that seems like a waste of time; to put time and emotions into something to which you don’t expect to commit. That is not exactly how I would word how I feel; I would say that I am open to whatever happens…but only somewhat? Perhaps my fear is hurting someone the way I was hurt.
I want to date. I dislike feeling lonely. But I don’t want a repeat of old drama. Patience. The answer is patience. But not too much patience, because then you just lose your chance.
And yes, my sex drive is so low that it scares me sometimes. I think I’m okay with that though.
There is that saying that happiness / smiling is contagious. And it’s true. If you have not noticed it already in your own life, there are articles about that.
However, how often do we think about or care that the opposite is also true? When we are sad, we can bring down those with whom we directly associate. We can also bring down those with whom those associates associate. When we are sad, it may seem like not much else really matters except for what is making us sad. My belief is that we should learn to pull ourselves back when we are sad and look at ourselves from…well, the outside. So, instead of being sad and looking at the world through your sad eyes, be the world at look at your sad self. You might find that not everything is as big of a deal as it seems; in fact, it usually is not. Realize, also, how you are also hurting others, either consciously or unconsciously, because of your biased emotions. Remember who cares about you and try not to mistreat them.
Another important thing to mention is that your world — that is, your perception of the word, is based on…well, yourself. If you are a happy person, the world seems to filled with more happy things. Similarly, if you are a liar and always lie, the world will lie back at you; your life will be full of lies. And so on; it is a combination of perception, attention to details, archetyping, bias, and maybe some other factors.
Also related, on a more specific note, is how you dislike someone: there is something about them that you see in yourself that you do not like. In other words, it is totally your fault that you dislike someone. Even if this someone hurts you; you dislike the fact that you let that person exploit your weakness. In other words, you would not have gotten hurt if you had not let them hurt you. And you should not have gotten hurt – why should you let someone hurt you? Well, we will get to that later.
This is in light of the recent breakups, including those that happened to some close friends of mine.
There are different levels of “letting go.” Some people don’t actually realize that and think it means to totally forget about what happened and move on to a “new life” which ends up being not so new because they just make all the same mistakes again.
The first level of letting go is literally letting go – letting that person pursue what he/she thinks is best for their happiness. Accepting, even if you disagree with what it is, that he/she has found something else seems to be worth more than everything you two have been through and will go through in the future if you two were to stay together. Certainly, his/her happiness is what matters the most, right?
The second level is letting go of the memories. Memories are attached to certain experiences, places, smells, items, etc. Where ever you go, you will be reminded of that person because you are able to link everything to a certain memory of you two. As John Paul said, “The only memories I have of [home] is with [her].” Letting go does not mean forgetting, though. It means not dwelling on the fact that they will not happen again. It means going to that special place that you two shared and being thankful for the good times and not saddened by what is past. It means letting go of the emotional link to the memory so that you can think about it clearly.
Personally, this was something that I did not expect to be a problem, but it turned out to be. After a while, it was not too bad in New Orleans as there were few places that triggered memories; it was mostly watching other couples that triggered memories. When I got home, I had these really strange feelings as I walked into my room. I realized later that it was the smell of my room and the weather here to which I was reacting because of the strong connection between those two and many events that happened in the past. So here starts another challenge where I must let go of the emotional link I have that is between the smell of my room and this awfully cold 60 degree weather, and the memories associated with them. Needless to say, I was quite ready to go back to New Orleans already.
The third level is being able to objectively look at what happened and learn from it. There will be many “in hindsight” moments, where one will be able see many things that were happening that one did not see before. Was he/she being totally faithful? Totally truthful? What desires of his/her now become obvious that one had ignored before? What was happening that seemed to not be a problem at the time but actually contributed a lot to what happened? Many things become clear. In fact, after the breakup, there will be many unanswered questions. One gets more answers from this reflection than from directly asking. Most of her answers will probably revolve around, “I don’t know.” But, if one is able to let go of emotional links and look at the situation clearly, one will find many answers.
As many friends have told me, “You have to convince yourself that she’s not good for you by thinking of all the things that went wrong.” That is quite a difficult task. However, I no longer need to do that; I can now see clearly the facts to why the relationship would not have worked. It all started one day when I told myself, “Kenny, you don’t deserve to be saddened by her shenanigan; Kenny, you deserve better.” When I truly believed that affirmation, many things started becoming clear. I also did use the word “shenanigans” in my original affirmation.
For a while, one might not be ready to let go. In fact, for the longest time, I felt as though it would not be right to move on yet. Simply, after being together for so long, I felt as though there should be a period of grieving. And there should be – it is normal and even desirable to grieve, as it showed me many things: not to take for granted what I have, that girls are inherently illogical, that I spent a lot of time and energy that I will never get back, that very small details have big influences in the future – okay, so I learned mostly negative things from grieving, but truth is truth whether positive or negative. More importantly, though, I paid respects to what was an important period of my life.
So, in a way, the smart never totally moves on; the smart takes everything that has happened into consideration and forges a better future. Simply, the number of questions to which one answers “I don’t know” should lower because now one has a better idea of what one wants. It is also never totally the other person’s fault; something happens because of things that both partners are doing. So, in the end, one hopefully has learned much about oneself, other people, and what one wants in/from other people.
The almost always applicable quote summarizes this long essay which I had intended to be quite shorter:
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I’ve been thinking about this for a while and decided to publish it after talking to Shamus tonight.
“You are more cynical . . . “
“Hmm. Wonder why. Must’ve been some negative experience that I had.”
In a healthy relationship, the labels are pretty much useless. The clearest label would be that of marriage, so let us look at that.
If a man and a woman get married, they become husband and wife. But why do people get married? Marriage, as it always had been, is two things: religious and legal. Anything else is purely coincidental; marriage has always meant to be these two things. For example, people can say that they are getting married for financial reasons, but it pretty much goes without saying that a married couple will do their best to support each other financially. Some people want to get married for emotional/psychological reasons: “She’s married to me now, so she probably won’t cheat on me.” It might be that sense of security, or it might be the feeling of finally being able to call something/someone your own.
In a healthy relationship, everything that both partners do is driven by their love for each other and the desire for an exclusive relationship or whatever it may be that they fancy. To think “Well, now I shouldn’t sleep around with everyone because I’m her boyfriend/husband,” or “Well now that she’s officially my girlfriend/wife, she’s not going to cheat on me” is foolish and unhealthy. The relationship should stay together because, say, the guy does not want to sleep around with anyone else, or the girl does not want to cheat; they love each other and would not think to nor want to do anything to ruin that. Another way to think of it is that it is not the relationship status that determines the actions, but the actions that determine what the relationship status is. And, if that is true, then it would not matter what they or other people label the relationship status — love is love, no matter what you call it.
The reasons why these labels exist, then, is because of society. Society just wants to put a label on everything for some reason . . . I suppose if we look at it from a Darwinism point of view, society is just inclined to point out the odd traits that exist. Many people are attracted to their traditions and their ways of thinking and find it hard to accept something new or different.
Imagine a couple who have a kid, but they were never married, even though they live together and love each other. The kid would might be called a bastard, love child, illegitimate . . . there are just so many negative labels that could used. And for what reason? Hypothetically, the child could have a normal childhood with a mother figure and a father figure by his/her side the whole time.
It seems as though this whole “tying the knot” deal might have a lot to do with society’s traditions, the media, insecurities, and the media. I always say that if a tradition works, then keep it, but if there is a more efficient way that works just as well, then it is time for change. And the media . . . the media causes just about every problem you could think of. In fact, the media is probably the major cause of insecurities, but I just felt like making a longer list, so I separated the two. Everything you watch, so many things to which you listen and you see involve people getting married. It would seem as though there is no question about it in most people’s minds that there is an alternative to the tradition marriage schpeal.
It would seem that, logically, if you are not religious and have no need to be “legally” married, then you should not get married. I can only think of a handful of reasons as to why one would need to get married for a legal reason (movie The Proposal, immigration). I once asked a friend, “Where do atheists get married. Certainly, not at a church in front of a priest?” Disappointingly, the response was, “Actually, most of them do just go to a church.”
To get into a relationship like this would be to not rush, but to let something (a friendship) grow out of love and understanding. Those are the healthiest relationships — the ones where both people are not only conscious of what both parties want, but unconsciously want nothing that would impede on that. So, whether that would be something that is more casual, something that is more exclusive, or any combination of anything, both parties will work to make that work because that is what they want; not because that is what a label say that should do.
Time is a difficult concept to comprehend. It may seem like one of the more obvious concepts: there are 24 hours in a day, so let me organize my day so that I can fit in everything that I want to do in the time given. However, that has become such a non-conscious process that it causes problems for some people.
Generally, we have lists of priorities in our heads. Those lists generally fall under the categories of “life essentials,” “very important,” or “beneficial.” Everything else falls under “do if I have free time.”
“Life essentials” include eating, putting on clothes, hygienic stuff, and sleep; basically, those things on the bottom of Maslow’s pyramid. Most things fall under “very important” : going to school, going to work, doing homework, cleaning, practicing, etc. “Beneficial” are things that, despite having a very busy day already, they provide enough benefits to you that you would take time away from the other more important things to do them. These things might be talking to/hanging out with friends, Facebook/Stumbleupon/the internet, exercise, snacking, etc. The point is that there are only a few things that are <b>essential</b> to everyday life; there are many, many things that we do because they are of high importance and would probably be not in our best favor to ignore them; and there are many things that we can do that might or might not contribute to our productivity, but we might not do much of them because of time constraints.
The problem occurs because some people have trouble prioritizing. The truth is that no matter what happens, all 24 hours of your day will be spent doing something. Usually, things that are necessary will get done without second thought. When people have many, many things to do that are of high importance, they get stressed out and complain about not having enough time. However, things that are of high importance will get done — they are usually our work or deadlines that we must meet. Whether or not those things are actually of high importance or not is the problem. Many times, we are doing stuff that does not actually matter to us but takes up time.
You will never have enough time. If there is something you want to do, you have to make time for it. It will be difficult to do until you realize that. After that, you will very easily see that the concept of, “I don’t have enough time,” is subjective.
A good way to tell how important something is to you (or someone else) is to see how much time you/they are willing to make for that. Someone might say that something is of high important to them, but if they are unwilling to make time for it in their busy schedule, then they probably only feel as though that thing would only be beneficial but could be done without. Hopefully, if it is not even beneficial, they would stop holding on to it. If they are willing to make time for it, you can probably tell that 1) it is probably of high importance to them and, from how much time they make for it, 2) how high of importance it is to them.
The example I always give is when we were told to two runs on a particular Monday: a 14 mile run, then an 8 mile run later in the day. Mondays were usually filled with classes for me, so I responded with, “I don’t have time for that,” to which I got back a negative response. When I ended up doing was taking a nap and running late Friday night/Monday morning (I got back at 1 am), then running my 8 miles later in the day. It was after that day that and talking to someone else that I realized, “You just have to make time for it.” (Whatever ‘it’ may be).
The ability to choose what is important to you is useful. Many people just go along with their lives unaware of how they are prioritizing their days. They lie to themselves, telling themselves that they <b>should</b> be doing this or that; all the while, other things that are more important and probably more beneficial are being ignored and put aside so that there would be time.
Think about everything you do. Think about everything you do not do. When you are taking a break from working, what are you doing? Maybe there is something more beneficial that could be done during that time. There might even be something of higher importance that could be done during that time.
(Minor digression) Someone once said, “Think about what you are doing when you are procrastinating. Find a way to make a living off of that.”
Up until recently, I never quite understood how people claim to be lonely. It was a feeling that I never quite felt; if I have, it was never to a point that it actually bothered me. My thought process was always, “Well, how could you be lonely? There are so many people in the world, and there are probably so many people around you.”
However, I have come to realize from where this feeling arises. Sure, there are many people in the world, and at Loyola, there is a student population of 5000. The problem is that most people are too busy to care or just do not care. It is not necessary a bad thing; on certain days, the only breaks that I have from the time I wake up are two 1 hour periods where I do not have class or practice. Certainly, caring for oneself is a reasonable priority over caring for other people. So, while there may be many people, not everyone is open to making me feel better at any given point in my life. Also, it is not like I know everyone, as much as I would like to get to know everyone. Lately, I have even had trouble talking to and meeting new people. Probably some self esteem type issues that I will ponder about some at some other time.
The reason why this had never bothered me before, I think, is because I always had a sense of no matter what happened, there would be someone there for me. And, as much as I love my friends, the are different connections made with different people. There is a certain connection that makes one delusion and unaware of many other things happening in life; partly why they say that “ignorance is bliss.”
So, if you have the unavoidable fact that no matter how many people are around you, most of them do not care or have time to care; and that different connections with different people delude you from different facts of life; then a loss of a connection would mean that you become aware of a part of life of which you were not aware before.
(Horray for first semester Philosophy about creating valid arguments.)
It is unfortunate that the first premise is true. I feel like if that were less true, and I have hypotheses for why it is not less true, more people would be happy. One would think that things would be a little better during Lent, but who really does Lent for the reason that they are suppose to anyway?
Today, we get something special: the last half or so of a conversation between two really good friends on a subject of high complications. Normally, I wouldn’t post conversations like these, since they are kind of personal (four parties are involved in this one); but I really like this one, and it’s not like anyone reads this blog anyway; so, why not? And, by request, I cut out a lot of what Shamus said. You can tell, because there are awkward blank spaces, and I seem to be responding to myself.
Ah
That’s kind of like the polygamous thing I was talking about.
1:13amKenny
If polygamists can sleep with other people, but at the end of the day, they still go back to that one person, then obviously, he’s not with that person just for the sex. There’s obviously something else about that person that he or she is attracted to, since sex, for this person, is just another recreational activity.
1:14amShamus
True
But like I said, for some that is an option, for others, they just don’t want to deal with it
1:15amKenny
Yeah
I almost kind of want to post this conversation on my blog. I just don’t want to get yelled at, but then again, she’s not talking to me anyway.
1:18amKenny
Yeah. I probably won’t do it, but I’d like to save it anyway.
Do you have all of it? Mine seemed to have cut off at some point
1:19amShamus
Yeah, I do
I’ll message it to ya
1:20amKenny
Cool
1:21amKenny
So some said to me, “You’ve been binded in a relationship for three years; it’s time you experience being single again.” which is weird because I never thought of myself as being “binded”
But being single isn’t all bad either
1:21amShamus
It isn’t. You can actually look at people
1:22amKenny
Not feel guilty
And not feel guilty
1:22amShamus
hahahahaha, exactly
Okay, it is sent
1:23amKenny
Horray
Pft. Of course the first thing I would say is, “Yeah, I met another girl.”
1:24amShamus
And even though I know we discussed the whole time deal, you do have more free time
1:24amKenny
Yeah
My nights are freer, and I don’t have to worry about carrying my phone around anymore. She was the only one that ever texted me
1:25amShamus
?
1:26amKenny
At night. I usually don’t go to track practice with my phone. So lately, I’ve been hanging out with the track people after practice, or going straight to dinner.
And I don’t have to worry that she texted me
1:28amShamus
True
I say for now just enjoy the freedom
1:29amKenny
I mean, it’s great, but I also miss the intimacy. It was always nice being close
1:29amShamus
I hear ya there
I really do
I particularly miss the closeness
1:31amKenny
Sometimes you wonder why they feel differently
Why these same things don’t affect them as much
1:31amShamus
indeed
1:33amKenny
It’s like, you think of everything that’s happened, and you have to accept that they’ve found something that’s worth more than all of that
1:34amKenny
And you just can’t help but wonder what happened between the time that you said x and the time that x was false
1:34amShamus
And to what you just wrote, yes, I hear ya
1:36amKenny
Well. Then she’ll realize what she’s lost. And trust me, she lost a lot.
1:37amShamus
Thanks man
1:38amShamus
For god sakes, I BIKED 21 MILES TO SEE HER PERFORM!
1:39amKenny
I know. I don’t know if I could even topped that.
1:40amShamus
It’s just… Ugggh
1:41amKenny
Probably. Unless if she were really mature, she probably kept everything to herself, or was waiting for you to realize it, but when you didn’t, she decided that was it
1:42amShamus
I literally learned from my mistakes.
1:44amShamus
1:45amKenny
That’s just a little inconsiderate.
I mean, a part of me doesn’t even want to get over her so quickly because it seems inconsiderate to just drop eerything so quickly
1:45amShamus
I feel ya there
1:46amKenny
Byy the wy, library’s about to close. I’ll be right back
1:46amShamus
I mean, so much time invested, I totally understand that
All righty
1:48amShamus
I actually really should go to sleep though
1:51amKenny
Yeah, I should too
I knew the urge to go take a walk would lead to a good thing though
1:52amShamus
It did sir. Very much sir. I feel better now that I’ve talked about it more
1:53amKenny
That’s good. I’m still very confused and irritated, but it’s getting better.
1:53amShamus
That does happen man, but with time, and talking, it will get better
And I’ll be here for that talking if ya need me
1:54amKenny
Haha, it’s like in music, where the ending of a song is called the cadence, and a cadence always “resolves.” But it annoys people who know what they’re listening to if you play a cadence but don’t resolve it, or resolve it incorrectly
But yeah, anyway.
I’ll keep you informed
1:55amShamus
No problem dude. Same here
1:55amKenny
Good night
/morning
1:56amShamus
Indeed. You too sir!
She has time to talk to my friends now, but she didn’t have time to talk to me before (and didn’t expect to have time now)? Sigh. Anyway.
so your female in assuming? Yeah. Connections implode when you talk to stupid people, probably. My conclusion was that he was a homophobic 14 year old.
