This is in light of the recent breakups, including those that happened to some close friends of mine.
There are different levels of “letting go.” Some people don’t actually realize that and think it means to totally forget about what happened and move on to a “new life” which ends up being not so new because they just make all the same mistakes again.
The first level of letting go is literally letting go – letting that person pursue what he/she thinks is best for their happiness. Accepting, even if you disagree with what it is, that he/she has found something else seems to be worth more than everything you two have been through and will go through in the future if you two were to stay together. Certainly, his/her happiness is what matters the most, right?
The second level is letting go of the memories. Memories are attached to certain experiences, places, smells, items, etc. Where ever you go, you will be reminded of that person because you are able to link everything to a certain memory of you two. As John Paul said, “The only memories I have of [home] is with [her].” Letting go does not mean forgetting, though. It means not dwelling on the fact that they will not happen again. It means going to that special place that you two shared and being thankful for the good times and not saddened by what is past. It means letting go of the emotional link to the memory so that you can think about it clearly.
Personally, this was something that I did not expect to be a problem, but it turned out to be. After a while, it was not too bad in New Orleans as there were few places that triggered memories; it was mostly watching other couples that triggered memories. When I got home, I had these really strange feelings as I walked into my room. I realized later that it was the smell of my room and the weather here to which I was reacting because of the strong connection between those two and many events that happened in the past. So here starts another challenge where I must let go of the emotional link I have that is between the smell of my room and this awfully cold 60 degree weather, and the memories associated with them. Needless to say, I was quite ready to go back to New Orleans already.
The third level is being able to objectively look at what happened and learn from it. There will be many “in hindsight” moments, where one will be able see many things that were happening that one did not see before. Was he/she being totally faithful? Totally truthful? What desires of his/her now become obvious that one had ignored before? What was happening that seemed to not be a problem at the time but actually contributed a lot to what happened? Many things become clear. In fact, after the breakup, there will be many unanswered questions. One gets more answers from this reflection than from directly asking. Most of her answers will probably revolve around, “I don’t know.” But, if one is able to let go of emotional links and look at the situation clearly, one will find many answers.
As many friends have told me, “You have to convince yourself that she’s not good for you by thinking of all the things that went wrong.” That is quite a difficult task. However, I no longer need to do that; I can now see clearly the facts to why the relationship would not have worked. It all started one day when I told myself, “Kenny, you don’t deserve to be saddened by her shenanigan; Kenny, you deserve better.” When I truly believed that affirmation, many things started becoming clear. I also did use the word “shenanigans” in my original affirmation.
For a while, one might not be ready to let go. In fact, for the longest time, I felt as though it would not be right to move on yet. Simply, after being together for so long, I felt as though there should be a period of grieving. And there should be – it is normal and even desirable to grieve, as it showed me many things: not to take for granted what I have, that girls are inherently illogical, that I spent a lot of time and energy that I will never get back, that very small details have big influences in the future – okay, so I learned mostly negative things from grieving, but truth is truth whether positive or negative. More importantly, though, I paid respects to what was an important period of my life.
So, in a way, the smart never totally moves on; the smart takes everything that has happened into consideration and forges a better future. Simply, the number of questions to which one answers “I don’t know” should lower because now one has a better idea of what one wants. It is also never totally the other person’s fault; something happens because of things that both partners are doing. So, in the end, one hopefully has learned much about oneself, other people, and what one wants in/from other people.
The almost always applicable quote summarizes this long essay which I had intended to be quite shorter:
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
