Dream On

Think back to high school.  And even middle school.  Memories probably come up of fun times, mistakes, dumb girls, and bald English teachers.

Overall, whether the memories are mostly good or bad, lots of lessons were learned.  But take a bigger step back, and it just seems like a dream.

During a dream, what is the most fun thing to do when there is the sudden realization that the current moment is a dream? Go crazy.  Nothing will matter in the future, once the body wakes up.  If we had known this back then, that all this would seem to us no more than just a dream, would we have done some stuff differently?  Perhaps taken a few more risks, went on a few more dates, and dome more awesome things.

Well, what if college ends up being the same after we graduate, along with our jobs and relationships?

Surveys have found out that people are more okay with situations than they think they will be, i.e. one is not as happy nor saddened by events that they think will make them happy or sad.

In conclusion, take a few more risks, go on a few more dates, and do some more awesome things.

What is Love?

This will sound a bit counterintuitive at first.

Love is when ones want for someone overcomes ones need for someone.

Neediness comes from desperation.  Desperation comes from scarcity.  Scarcity comes from lack of self confidence.

If you are hungry and have been starving, you will jump at the first thing that is edible; at that point, you need food.  However, if you are full, you will choose what food to eat, if there is food present.  Perhaps you really like the peanut butter praline, so you choose to have that.  But you had a choice- you could have not eaten it, or you could have waited and gotten yourself something else later.

Similarly, if you are desperate for a relationship, you will settle for whomever comes your way first;  you will confuse that neediness for love.  But, if you have the mindset that you are well liked and have a choice of whom you want to date, you will choose whom you think is best for you.

Of course, just saying that you are well liked but not believing it does not work.  You have to actually believe it, be confident, and be active in shaping your life.  Believe that you have the ability to make any person extremely happy and fortunate, and that people have to win you over, not the other way around.  Until you are confident in yourself, you will not be able to figure out what you want, and , therefore, you will be unable to attract people, leading you to be needy and confused.

Remember, I don’t know is never a good answer when dealing with relationships.

Be Awesome

There is no need to have a plan B because it distracts from plan A. – Will Smith

Two days ago, I decided that my life is fantastic.

And it has been.  For the past two days.  And it will continue to be, until I decide that it is not.

I decided that all the things that were making me unhappy…well, shouldn’t make me unhappy.  Because I am too awesome for that.  And the only reason that my life was not fantastic before two days ago is because I got too distracted and forgot that it was.

If you are at a loss for goals for the new year, consider these.  I promise these will change your life.

1.  In the long run, not everything matters as much as they initially seem. Live more in the moment.  Be spontaneous.  Take risks.  Try new things.  Just do it.

2.  If you’re not having fun, don’t do it. Or make it fun.  It’s all perspective, anyway.   I always have fun, whether it’s hanging out downtown or putting together portfolios.

3.  Be confident.  You are awesome, attractive, unique, and successful.  You only fail because you set yourself up to do so.  Believe it.  Do it.

Lastly, some things are worth waiting for, but many things are not.  Keep things in perspective.  If you decide something is worth waiting for, still keep those three things above in mind.

And now, some relevant pictures.

Rational Decisions

You’re asking me to be rational. That is something that I know I cannot do. –  Anakin Skywalker, SW Ep. II.

I’m confused because I think logically. – Chris Graugnard.

Women are complicated. –  Some Stranger on Omegle.

And such sums up most of the problems of life.

Holding Hands: A Social Phenomenon?

Why do couples hold hands while walking around in public?  Holding hands is one of the few socially accepted means of publicly displaying affection.  If I see a girl holding hands with someone, I know to think, “Okay; she is probably taken.”  Also, as my roommate said, “In college, some girls want a boyfriend just so other guys will stop hitting on them.”  However, out of everything that one would find a couple doing that they would not do if they were not a couple, holding hands is one that is very automatic and of which is not often thought.  I mean, people have casual sex all the time, but two people are unlikely to hold hands if they are not going out.  So, why do we do it?

Holding hands is not new; different forms of it have been happening for years in human history, and we see other animals doing it.  However, who really knows what the reason is?  For some, it is a sign of possession – “I am holding her because she is mine.”  For others, it may be a sign of affection – “I care about you and want to be close and protect you.”

The question, then, is when did holding hands come to have the value that we have placed on it today?  Certainly, physical contact invokes feelings of affection.  Does that mean we hold hands because we have these feelings, or does holding hands cause us to have these feelings?

Similarly, I have once thought about whether love was a social creation.  We know lust and the need to reproduce is natural, but this concept of love is rather abstract.  Physical contact invokes feelings of affection;  the need for attention sometimes deludes us; the media, society, and other people put suggestions into our heads.  I have yet to conclude if love is a social creation, but if it is, I will be angry.

Back to the holding hands phenomenon.  It is fun.  I enjoy being close and physical to those to whom I am attracted.  However, one should not using holding hands as a a way to boost one’s ego or claim possession of someone.  I do it because it is fun, I like it, and it feels good knowing that someone trusts you enough to let you get that close; not because society has placed labels on what it means when two people are holding hands.

Life’s Challenges

Life’s challenges usually make life fun and worth living. Life would be unexciting if everything came easy.

I especially like challenges. I remember one time I said that I’m “ready to get hurt again,” referring to that I’m ready to move on from the past and meet new girls who will end up making me unhappy since that is usually what happens. But, you get hurt, you move on, you learn a few things, and it gets better. And when something finally works, it is that much better because of how hard you worked for it.

That is why I enjoy running, I suppose. It’s so much work, and sometimes there are disappointments, but you also see results. Seeing the fruition of all that hard work is rewarding.

Challenges sometimes come in the form of others not believing in you. Those are quite fun. The next time someone tells you, or you think someone would tell you, that what you want to do is crazy and that you’d probably fail, consider taking that challenge; if not to spite the people, but just to better yourself, even if you end up failing.

Life Without Facebook

Life without Facebook isn’t actually that bad. Not only do I seem to have more free time, I no longer have to read annoying statuses of attention-seeking teenagers. I don’t really miss any news either, since I’d usually hear about anything big happening to anyone by interacting with people. The downside is that it is harder now to find out about people. I suppose that is also an upside because it forces me to be creative in order to find out about people, and it also forces actual conversation. And by being creative, I mean that I usually just use Duncan’s Facebook when he forgets to sign out of it on Dr. Hebert’s computer.

Although, without Facebook, who is really going to see this post? Aside from those Googling “what does connection imploded mean?”.

In the process of writing this post, I actually had to explain what I said in the first paragraph because I was asked why I didn’t have a Facebook. Amusing.

My suitemates talk about sex a lot. The more they do, the more I find myself wanting it less. I am actually in quite an interesting situation. At this point in my life, I can see myself being happy single. I am, however, not opposed to cohabitation or adoption. I just have no desire to get married. I also want to change my name to a mononym – a single name as opposed to first name-last name.

This does not mean that I don’t have feelings. I would even say that I do have feelings for someone. However, it’s somewhat weird since I have always been against my ex saying that she did not expect us to be together in the future (whenever ‘future’ was relative to when she said it). To me, that seems like a waste of time; to put time and emotions into something to which you don’t expect to commit. That is not exactly how I would word how I feel; I would say that I am open to whatever happens…but only somewhat? Perhaps my fear is hurting someone the way I was hurt.

I want to date. I dislike feeling lonely. But I don’t want a repeat of old drama. Patience. The answer is patience. But not too much patience, because then you just lose your chance.

And yes, my sex drive is so low that it scares me sometimes. I think I’m okay with that though.

Spreading Yourself (Not Literally)

There is that saying that happiness / smiling is contagious. And it’s true. If you have not noticed it already in your own life, there are articles about that.

However, how often do we think about or care that the opposite is also true? When we are sad, we can bring down those with whom we directly associate. We can also bring down those with whom those associates associate. When we are sad, it may seem like not much else really matters except for what is making us sad. My belief is that we should learn to pull ourselves back when we are sad and look at ourselves from…well, the outside. So, instead of being sad and looking at the world through your sad eyes, be the world at look at your sad self. You might find that not everything is as big of a deal as it seems; in fact, it usually is not. Realize, also, how you are also hurting others, either consciously or unconsciously, because of your biased emotions. Remember who cares about you and try not to mistreat them.

Another important thing to mention is that your world — that is, your perception of the word, is based on…well, yourself. If you are a happy person, the world seems to filled with more happy things. Similarly, if you are a liar and always lie, the world will lie back at you; your life will be full of lies. And so on; it is a combination of perception, attention to details, archetyping, bias, and maybe some other factors.

Also related, on a more specific note, is how you dislike someone: there is something about them that you see in yourself that you do not like. In other words, it is totally your fault that you dislike someone. Even if this someone hurts you; you dislike the fact that you let that person exploit your weakness. In other words, you would not have gotten hurt if you had not let them hurt you. And you should not have gotten hurt – why should you let someone hurt you? Well, we will get to that later.

Emotional Detachment

The practical application of emotional detachment does not mean being unattached to ones emotions / having no emotions to certain situations; it is, in fact, the complete opposite.

It is having control of your emotions, as opposed to letting your emotions control you.

More specifically, it could mean having control of your interests, as opposed to having your interests control you.

Do not give that which hurts you the acknowledgement that said subject has that effect over you.

Letting Go, Moving On

This is in light of the recent breakups, including those that happened to some close friends of mine.

There are different levels of “letting go.” Some people don’t actually realize that and think it means to totally forget about what happened and move on to a “new life” which ends up being not so new because they just make all the same mistakes again.

The first level of letting go is literally letting go – letting that person pursue what he/she thinks is best for their happiness. Accepting, even if you disagree with what it is, that he/she has found something else seems to be worth more than everything you two have been through and will go through in the future if you two were to stay together. Certainly, his/her happiness is what matters the most, right?

The second level is letting go of the memories. Memories are attached to certain experiences, places, smells, items, etc. Where ever you go, you will be reminded of that person because you are able to link everything to a certain memory of you two. As John Paul said, “The only memories I have of [home] is with [her].” Letting go does not mean forgetting, though. It means not dwelling on the fact that they will not happen again. It means going to that special place that you two shared and being thankful for the good times and not saddened by what is past. It means letting go of the emotional link to the memory so that you can think about it clearly.

Personally, this was something that I did not expect to be a problem, but it turned out to be. After a while, it was not too bad in New Orleans as there were few places that triggered memories; it was mostly watching other couples that triggered memories. When I got home, I had these really strange feelings as I walked into my room. I realized later that it was the smell of my room and the weather here to which I was reacting because of the strong connection between those two and many events that happened in the past. So here starts another challenge where I must let go of the emotional link I have that is between the smell of my room and this awfully cold 60 degree weather, and the memories associated with them. Needless to say, I was quite ready to go back to New Orleans already.

The third level is being able to objectively look at what happened and learn from it. There will be many “in hindsight” moments, where one will be able see many things that were happening that one did not see before. Was he/she being totally faithful? Totally truthful? What desires of his/her now become obvious that one had ignored before? What was happening that seemed to not be a problem at the time but actually contributed a lot to what happened? Many things become clear. In fact, after the breakup, there will be many unanswered questions. One gets more answers from this reflection than from directly asking. Most of her answers will probably revolve around, “I don’t know.” But, if one is able to let go of emotional links and look at the situation clearly, one will find many answers.

As many friends have told me, “You have to convince yourself that she’s not good for you by thinking of all the things that went wrong.” That is quite a difficult task. However, I no longer need to do that; I can now see clearly the facts to why the relationship would not have worked. It all started one day when I told myself, “Kenny, you don’t deserve to be saddened by her shenanigan; Kenny, you deserve better.” When I truly believed that affirmation, many things started becoming clear. I also did use the word “shenanigans” in my original affirmation.

For a while, one might not be ready to let go. In fact, for the longest time, I felt as though it would not be right to move on yet. Simply, after being together for so long, I felt as though there should be a period of grieving. And there should be – it is normal and even desirable to grieve, as it showed me many things: not to take for granted what I have, that girls are inherently illogical, that I spent a lot of time and energy that I will never get back, that very small details have big influences in the future – okay, so I learned mostly negative things from grieving, but truth is truth whether positive or negative. More importantly, though, I paid respects to what was an important period of my life.

So, in a way, the smart never totally moves on; the smart takes everything that has happened into consideration and forges a better future. Simply, the number of questions to which one answers “I don’t know” should lower because now one has a better idea of what one wants. It is also never totally the other person’s fault; something happens because of things that both partners are doing. So, in the end, one hopefully has learned much about oneself, other people, and what one wants in/from other people.

The almost always applicable quote summarizes this long essay which I had intended to be quite shorter:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.