Spreading Yourself (Not Literally)

There is that saying that happiness / smiling is contagious. And it’s true. If you have not noticed it already in your own life, there are articles about that.

However, how often do we think about or care that the opposite is also true? When we are sad, we can bring down those with whom we directly associate. We can also bring down those with whom those associates associate. When we are sad, it may seem like not much else really matters except for what is making us sad. My belief is that we should learn to pull ourselves back when we are sad and look at ourselves from…well, the outside. So, instead of being sad and looking at the world through your sad eyes, be the world at look at your sad self. You might find that not everything is as big of a deal as it seems; in fact, it usually is not. Realize, also, how you are also hurting others, either consciously or unconsciously, because of your biased emotions. Remember who cares about you and try not to mistreat them.

Another important thing to mention is that your world — that is, your perception of the word, is based on…well, yourself. If you are a happy person, the world seems to filled with more happy things. Similarly, if you are a liar and always lie, the world will lie back at you; your life will be full of lies. And so on; it is a combination of perception, attention to details, archetyping, bias, and maybe some other factors.

Also related, on a more specific note, is how you dislike someone: there is something about them that you see in yourself that you do not like. In other words, it is totally your fault that you dislike someone. Even if this someone hurts you; you dislike the fact that you let that person exploit your weakness. In other words, you would not have gotten hurt if you had not let them hurt you. And you should not have gotten hurt – why should you let someone hurt you? Well, we will get to that later.

Letting Go, Moving On

This is in light of the recent breakups, including those that happened to some close friends of mine.

There are different levels of “letting go.” Some people don’t actually realize that and think it means to totally forget about what happened and move on to a “new life” which ends up being not so new because they just make all the same mistakes again.

The first level of letting go is literally letting go – letting that person pursue what he/she thinks is best for their happiness. Accepting, even if you disagree with what it is, that he/she has found something else seems to be worth more than everything you two have been through and will go through in the future if you two were to stay together. Certainly, his/her happiness is what matters the most, right?

The second level is letting go of the memories. Memories are attached to certain experiences, places, smells, items, etc. Where ever you go, you will be reminded of that person because you are able to link everything to a certain memory of you two. As John Paul said, “The only memories I have of [home] is with [her].” Letting go does not mean forgetting, though. It means not dwelling on the fact that they will not happen again. It means going to that special place that you two shared and being thankful for the good times and not saddened by what is past. It means letting go of the emotional link to the memory so that you can think about it clearly.

Personally, this was something that I did not expect to be a problem, but it turned out to be. After a while, it was not too bad in New Orleans as there were few places that triggered memories; it was mostly watching other couples that triggered memories. When I got home, I had these really strange feelings as I walked into my room. I realized later that it was the smell of my room and the weather here to which I was reacting because of the strong connection between those two and many events that happened in the past. So here starts another challenge where I must let go of the emotional link I have that is between the smell of my room and this awfully cold 60 degree weather, and the memories associated with them. Needless to say, I was quite ready to go back to New Orleans already.

The third level is being able to objectively look at what happened and learn from it. There will be many “in hindsight” moments, where one will be able see many things that were happening that one did not see before. Was he/she being totally faithful? Totally truthful? What desires of his/her now become obvious that one had ignored before? What was happening that seemed to not be a problem at the time but actually contributed a lot to what happened? Many things become clear. In fact, after the breakup, there will be many unanswered questions. One gets more answers from this reflection than from directly asking. Most of her answers will probably revolve around, “I don’t know.” But, if one is able to let go of emotional links and look at the situation clearly, one will find many answers.

As many friends have told me, “You have to convince yourself that she’s not good for you by thinking of all the things that went wrong.” That is quite a difficult task. However, I no longer need to do that; I can now see clearly the facts to why the relationship would not have worked. It all started one day when I told myself, “Kenny, you don’t deserve to be saddened by her shenanigan; Kenny, you deserve better.” When I truly believed that affirmation, many things started becoming clear. I also did use the word “shenanigans” in my original affirmation.

For a while, one might not be ready to let go. In fact, for the longest time, I felt as though it would not be right to move on yet. Simply, after being together for so long, I felt as though there should be a period of grieving. And there should be – it is normal and even desirable to grieve, as it showed me many things: not to take for granted what I have, that girls are inherently illogical, that I spent a lot of time and energy that I will never get back, that very small details have big influences in the future – okay, so I learned mostly negative things from grieving, but truth is truth whether positive or negative. More importantly, though, I paid respects to what was an important period of my life.

So, in a way, the smart never totally moves on; the smart takes everything that has happened into consideration and forges a better future. Simply, the number of questions to which one answers “I don’t know” should lower because now one has a better idea of what one wants. It is also never totally the other person’s fault; something happens because of things that both partners are doing. So, in the end, one hopefully has learned much about oneself, other people, and what one wants in/from other people.

The almost always applicable quote summarizes this long essay which I had intended to be quite shorter:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Relationship Labels

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and decided to publish it after talking to Shamus tonight.

“You are more cynical . . . “
“Hmm. Wonder why. Must’ve been some negative experience that I had.”

In a healthy relationship, the labels are pretty much useless. The clearest label would be that of marriage, so let us look at that.

If a man and a woman get married, they become husband and wife. But why do people get married? Marriage, as it always had been, is two things: religious and legal. Anything else is purely coincidental; marriage has always meant to be these two things. For example, people can say that they are getting married for financial reasons, but it pretty much goes without saying that a married couple will do their best to support each other financially. Some people want to get married for emotional/psychological reasons: “She’s married to me now, so she probably won’t cheat on me.” It might be that sense of security, or it might be the feeling of finally being able to call something/someone your own.

In a healthy relationship, everything that both partners do is driven by their love for each other and the desire for an exclusive relationship or whatever it may be that they fancy. To think “Well, now I shouldn’t sleep around with everyone because I’m her boyfriend/husband,” or “Well now that she’s officially my girlfriend/wife, she’s not going to cheat on me” is foolish and unhealthy. The relationship should stay together because, say, the guy does not want to sleep around with anyone else, or the girl does not want to cheat; they love each other and would not think to nor want to do anything to ruin that. Another way to think of it is that it is not the relationship status that determines the actions, but the actions that determine what the relationship status is. And, if that is true, then it would not matter what they or other people label the relationship status — love is love, no matter what you call it.

The reasons why these labels exist, then, is because of society. Society just wants to put a label on everything for some reason . . . I suppose if we look at it from a Darwinism point of view, society is just inclined to point out the odd traits that exist. Many people are attracted to their traditions and their ways of thinking and find it hard to accept something new or different.

Imagine a couple who have a kid, but they were never married, even though they live together and love each other. The kid would might be called a bastard, love child, illegitimate . . . there are just so many negative labels that could used. And for what reason? Hypothetically, the child could have a normal childhood with a mother figure and a father figure by his/her side the whole time.

It seems as though this whole “tying the knot” deal might have a lot to do with society’s traditions, the media, insecurities, and the media. I always say that if a tradition works, then keep it, but if there is a more efficient way that works just as well, then it is time for change. And the media . . . the media causes just about every problem you could think of. In fact, the media is probably the major cause of insecurities, but I just felt like making a longer list, so I separated the two. Everything you watch, so many things to which you listen and you see involve people getting married. It would seem as though there is no question about it in most people’s minds that there is an alternative to the tradition marriage schpeal.

It would seem that, logically, if you are not religious and have no need to be “legally” married, then you should not get married. I can only think of a handful of reasons as to why one would need to get married for a legal reason (movie The Proposal, immigration). I once asked a friend, “Where do atheists get married. Certainly, not at a church in front of a priest?” Disappointingly, the response was, “Actually, most of them do just go to a church.”

To get into a relationship like this would be to not rush, but to let something (a friendship) grow out of love and understanding. Those are the healthiest relationships — the ones where both people are not only conscious of what both parties want, but unconsciously want nothing that would impede on that. So, whether that would be something that is more casual, something that is more exclusive, or any combination of anything, both parties will work to make that work because that is what they want; not because that is what a label say that should do.