What is Love?

This will sound a bit counterintuitive at first.

Love is when ones want for someone overcomes ones need for someone.

Neediness comes from desperation.  Desperation comes from scarcity.  Scarcity comes from lack of self confidence.

If you are hungry and have been starving, you will jump at the first thing that is edible; at that point, you need food.  However, if you are full, you will choose what food to eat, if there is food present.  Perhaps you really like the peanut butter praline, so you choose to have that.  But you had a choice- you could have not eaten it, or you could have waited and gotten yourself something else later.

Similarly, if you are desperate for a relationship, you will settle for whomever comes your way first;  you will confuse that neediness for love.  But, if you have the mindset that you are well liked and have a choice of whom you want to date, you will choose whom you think is best for you.

Of course, just saying that you are well liked but not believing it does not work.  You have to actually believe it, be confident, and be active in shaping your life.  Believe that you have the ability to make any person extremely happy and fortunate, and that people have to win you over, not the other way around.  Until you are confident in yourself, you will not be able to figure out what you want, and , therefore, you will be unable to attract people, leading you to be needy and confused.

Remember, I don’t know is never a good answer when dealing with relationships.

Be Awesome

There is no need to have a plan B because it distracts from plan A. – Will Smith

Two days ago, I decided that my life is fantastic.

And it has been.  For the past two days.  And it will continue to be, until I decide that it is not.

I decided that all the things that were making me unhappy…well, shouldn’t make me unhappy.  Because I am too awesome for that.  And the only reason that my life was not fantastic before two days ago is because I got too distracted and forgot that it was.

If you are at a loss for goals for the new year, consider these.  I promise these will change your life.

1.  In the long run, not everything matters as much as they initially seem. Live more in the moment.  Be spontaneous.  Take risks.  Try new things.  Just do it.

2.  If you’re not having fun, don’t do it. Or make it fun.  It’s all perspective, anyway.   I always have fun, whether it’s hanging out downtown or putting together portfolios.

3.  Be confident.  You are awesome, attractive, unique, and successful.  You only fail because you set yourself up to do so.  Believe it.  Do it.

Lastly, some things are worth waiting for, but many things are not.  Keep things in perspective.  If you decide something is worth waiting for, still keep those three things above in mind.

And now, some relevant pictures.

Holding Hands: A Social Phenomenon?

Why do couples hold hands while walking around in public?  Holding hands is one of the few socially accepted means of publicly displaying affection.  If I see a girl holding hands with someone, I know to think, “Okay; she is probably taken.”  Also, as my roommate said, “In college, some girls want a boyfriend just so other guys will stop hitting on them.”  However, out of everything that one would find a couple doing that they would not do if they were not a couple, holding hands is one that is very automatic and of which is not often thought.  I mean, people have casual sex all the time, but two people are unlikely to hold hands if they are not going out.  So, why do we do it?

Holding hands is not new; different forms of it have been happening for years in human history, and we see other animals doing it.  However, who really knows what the reason is?  For some, it is a sign of possession – “I am holding her because she is mine.”  For others, it may be a sign of affection – “I care about you and want to be close and protect you.”

The question, then, is when did holding hands come to have the value that we have placed on it today?  Certainly, physical contact invokes feelings of affection.  Does that mean we hold hands because we have these feelings, or does holding hands cause us to have these feelings?

Similarly, I have once thought about whether love was a social creation.  We know lust and the need to reproduce is natural, but this concept of love is rather abstract.  Physical contact invokes feelings of affection;  the need for attention sometimes deludes us; the media, society, and other people put suggestions into our heads.  I have yet to conclude if love is a social creation, but if it is, I will be angry.

Back to the holding hands phenomenon.  It is fun.  I enjoy being close and physical to those to whom I am attracted.  However, one should not using holding hands as a a way to boost one’s ego or claim possession of someone.  I do it because it is fun, I like it, and it feels good knowing that someone trusts you enough to let you get that close; not because society has placed labels on what it means when two people are holding hands.

Life’s Challenges

Life’s challenges usually make life fun and worth living. Life would be unexciting if everything came easy.

I especially like challenges. I remember one time I said that I’m “ready to get hurt again,” referring to that I’m ready to move on from the past and meet new girls who will end up making me unhappy since that is usually what happens. But, you get hurt, you move on, you learn a few things, and it gets better. And when something finally works, it is that much better because of how hard you worked for it.

That is why I enjoy running, I suppose. It’s so much work, and sometimes there are disappointments, but you also see results. Seeing the fruition of all that hard work is rewarding.

Challenges sometimes come in the form of others not believing in you. Those are quite fun. The next time someone tells you, or you think someone would tell you, that what you want to do is crazy and that you’d probably fail, consider taking that challenge; if not to spite the people, but just to better yourself, even if you end up failing.

Relationship Labels

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and decided to publish it after talking to Shamus tonight.

“You are more cynical . . . “
“Hmm. Wonder why. Must’ve been some negative experience that I had.”

In a healthy relationship, the labels are pretty much useless. The clearest label would be that of marriage, so let us look at that.

If a man and a woman get married, they become husband and wife. But why do people get married? Marriage, as it always had been, is two things: religious and legal. Anything else is purely coincidental; marriage has always meant to be these two things. For example, people can say that they are getting married for financial reasons, but it pretty much goes without saying that a married couple will do their best to support each other financially. Some people want to get married for emotional/psychological reasons: “She’s married to me now, so she probably won’t cheat on me.” It might be that sense of security, or it might be the feeling of finally being able to call something/someone your own.

In a healthy relationship, everything that both partners do is driven by their love for each other and the desire for an exclusive relationship or whatever it may be that they fancy. To think “Well, now I shouldn’t sleep around with everyone because I’m her boyfriend/husband,” or “Well now that she’s officially my girlfriend/wife, she’s not going to cheat on me” is foolish and unhealthy. The relationship should stay together because, say, the guy does not want to sleep around with anyone else, or the girl does not want to cheat; they love each other and would not think to nor want to do anything to ruin that. Another way to think of it is that it is not the relationship status that determines the actions, but the actions that determine what the relationship status is. And, if that is true, then it would not matter what they or other people label the relationship status — love is love, no matter what you call it.

The reasons why these labels exist, then, is because of society. Society just wants to put a label on everything for some reason . . . I suppose if we look at it from a Darwinism point of view, society is just inclined to point out the odd traits that exist. Many people are attracted to their traditions and their ways of thinking and find it hard to accept something new or different.

Imagine a couple who have a kid, but they were never married, even though they live together and love each other. The kid would might be called a bastard, love child, illegitimate . . . there are just so many negative labels that could used. And for what reason? Hypothetically, the child could have a normal childhood with a mother figure and a father figure by his/her side the whole time.

It seems as though this whole “tying the knot” deal might have a lot to do with society’s traditions, the media, insecurities, and the media. I always say that if a tradition works, then keep it, but if there is a more efficient way that works just as well, then it is time for change. And the media . . . the media causes just about every problem you could think of. In fact, the media is probably the major cause of insecurities, but I just felt like making a longer list, so I separated the two. Everything you watch, so many things to which you listen and you see involve people getting married. It would seem as though there is no question about it in most people’s minds that there is an alternative to the tradition marriage schpeal.

It would seem that, logically, if you are not religious and have no need to be “legally” married, then you should not get married. I can only think of a handful of reasons as to why one would need to get married for a legal reason (movie The Proposal, immigration). I once asked a friend, “Where do atheists get married. Certainly, not at a church in front of a priest?” Disappointingly, the response was, “Actually, most of them do just go to a church.”

To get into a relationship like this would be to not rush, but to let something (a friendship) grow out of love and understanding. Those are the healthiest relationships — the ones where both people are not only conscious of what both parties want, but unconsciously want nothing that would impede on that. So, whether that would be something that is more casual, something that is more exclusive, or any combination of anything, both parties will work to make that work because that is what they want; not because that is what a label say that should do.